I don't want to belabor this too much, except to say that while the "problem" is not yet fixed, I am getting assistance, and hopefully I'll be back to my normal self in the coming weeks. Anyway. Thank you for the virtual encouragement and good vibes. I am humbled and grateful and I love you, too.

Life is weird, huh?

Feeling betrayed. Feeling out of control. Feeling like you can't trust your own senses. Your mind is playing tricks on you, but it's not some little thing, like indecision, or second-guessing, or mental beatdown, or some lack of esteem issue.

The stressors are REAL, and the symptoms are real, too.

This is so freaking stupid! There's nothing in your life to worry about! There's nothing going on that doesn't have something really good either in its center or on the periphery! Sure, work has been tough of late, but that's done as of the coming weekend! And it's not like what you're doing has any giant impact on the coming release... how can this be happening now of all times?

Get rid of the idea that 'It's all in my head.' Or that there's something wrong with you because 'you can't handle it.'

It can't just be work, then. It's got to be a combination of that plus a myriad of other things. Right? This has never, ever happened before; not like this. Medical insurance kicks in on January 1. Why can't this whole thing wait until then? Why can't I just handle it for another 2.5 weeks?

Waking up out of a dead sleep feeling like you've been struck by lightning. Dry mouth. Sweat. Every nerve-ending is turned up to maximum, it almost hurts just to touch things. You can smell too well. The air, chilly at night anyway, feels icy. You can't sit still, but you've got nowhere to go. You're breathing too fast, but sitting with your head between your knees, or exhaling into a paper bag does nothing.

For now, just go back on your medication.

Stopping the meds had been a spectacularly bad idea, but you felt fine for two whole days after you did, right? And you had been glad to be free of the "latency" introduced by it. It wasn't debilitating. It's just that at times you felt like somebody at the controls of a human suit, instead of you yourself. There were times where you could observe the difference in time it took for you to decide to do something and then seeing yourself do it. And even now, back under the influence, you can still feel everything, under the surface. It's just that now, you've got some control over it. You can be functional, if not 100%.

This has never happened to you before.

This sort of thing is more prevalent than you know. Some people get rashes. Headaches.

Thank goodness for understanding friends.

I have been here, working, since then.

Yep, just completed my 21st consecutive hour. ZZbttshr. Dreeeop. Mepr.

I gotta go catch the bus home.

There is of course the idea that by discouraging gift-giving, or by making a big to-do of attempting to refuse a given gift (i.e., "Oh you shouldn't have" or "Oh, I really can't accept this") what one is really doing is depriving the giver the gift of giving. So, by graciously receiving a gift from someone, you are giving them a gift of the pleasure of having given.

So, in that spirit, I will gladly accept any and all items any of you feel fit to bestow upon me. You're welcome in advance.

Makin' Up Stuff

That's a medley of bits from last Monday's rehearsal that drummer Pete was nice enough to set up gear to record. We're just improvising, making up things, making mistakes, having fun. And I bet a decent chunk of next year's new record will come out of this stuff. No vocals yet, since those come AFTER music for me, and we don't have a power amp set up in the space yet anyway, so I could stand there and sing all night but no one would hear over our collective din.

So! Yay!